by Alyce Adams
Batman Vs Superman. Suicide Squad. X-Men: Apocalypse.
I know. I can hear the collective groan of readers all the way through their computer screens. No doubt, it’s been a grim year for superhero fans.
However, not for the movie studios. In fact, they’re doing quite well for themselves. I should know, because I paid to see every single one of those films, and my high hopes were crushed each time.
Yet, it wasn’t all a complete loss. From my extensive viewing, I believe I can now describe the five most important elements to a successful financial blockbuster.
1. Hire more than one writer. In fact, the more the better. You want as many people as possible providing their opinion on the story. It doesn’t matter if they’re writers or not. Too many cooks in the kitchen doesn’t apply to this situation - that’s just a health and safety warning. Remember, having a clear vision is overrated.
2. Create a kickass female character that is just as accurate with a gun as she is with her lipstick. Loved for her dry wit and black spandex, make her so cool that she is a fan favourite, but (and this is important) never ever give her her own movie. Ever.
3. The film should have a minimum 2 ½ hour running time. People paid $20 for a ticket - make sure they get their money’s worth. You know you’ve done your job right when the audience start to regret upgrading to that large popcorn and drink combo.
Forget quality. The only reason people go to the cinemas is to pass the time, not for entertainment.
4. CGI everything. Cities, spaceships, fights - that’s a given. When I say everything though, I mean everything. Thinking of casting Luke Hemsworth to complete the trifecta? Don’t. CGI him. Sure, the real Luke might be able to pull off the more subtle facial movements, but will his biceps really look as good as a computer generated image set?
5. Don’t actually end the story. The superheroes might save their city, but they haven’t defeated the villain (and probably won’t for at least another three films.) Better yet, have the film finish before they even fight and slap on a ‘Part 1’ to the title. It doesn’t look like a cash grab if you explain that you simply couldn’t do justice to the story in one film, which is most likely true, because the story has become so convoluted due to the number of writers. Fans will be happy to support more films with these characters. It’s a win win!
So, there they are. Five easy steps for blockbuster success. Please give me a cut when you’re swimming in your gold filled pool.
In the meantime, I will be waiting in line with unrealistic hopes for Wonder Woman.